Commercial: Feeding Frenzy

Hello. We here at Central Control would like to take a moment from all of this bestial silliness to talk to you for a moment about a topic many of you find unpleasant: your body.

We know you don't spend much time thinking about your body. The cars and TV and Internet and shopping and slaving away to pay for it all are a bit distracting. They pull you into your head and away from your body. We know -- we designed them that way. And we're glad to see that many of you have responded with fantasies of transcending your corporeal nature entirely. That's the spirit!

But try as you might, you still seem to be connected to that lump of flesh. And what's worse, like a horse that's broken out of the barn and gotten into the hay, your now-ignored body seems to have a mind of its own when it comes to food. You just can't seem to stop eating! All those burgers and fried chicken and chips and cookies ... they're just so tasty. So tasty, in fact, that you eat them without even consciously recognizing that you're eating.

We know. We designed them that way.

But now, the pounds are piling on. Your doctor is yammering at you and the cholesterol counts are piling up and you feel tired and cranky and constipated. You need to lose some weight, but you just can't seem to shed the pounds. You hate exercise, since it reminds you that not only do you still have a body, but that it just doesn't feel so good these days. And somehow, those empty calories still keep making it into your gut, and the pounds keep piling on.

But don't fear -- we here at Central Control are here to help. We'll help you beat that body into submission, so you can keep safely ignoring it. For instance, have you considered gastric bypass surgery? After all, it your stomach offends thee, cut it out ... right? Or something like that. Sure, four out of ten bodies react violently at such abuse. But hey, you weren't using your body anyways. Besides, everyone knows that the best way to keep a horse out of the hay is to cut its stomach out.

If that fails, we have even flashier cures on the shelf. For instance, how about chemically cauterizing your sense of smell and taste? That way, your body will be even easier to ignore, and those pesky unconscious urges will be buried even deeper. I mean, that's what they'd do down at the barn, right? Go stick that horse's snout in a bucket of phenol -- it keeps them out of the hay every time.

Under no circumstances, however, should you attempt to pay attention to what your body is doing. We here at Central Control want to remind you that bodies are smelly, imperfect, noxious things. Well, at least your body is. We have plenty of pictures of perfect bodies on the TV, of course, but they they are only there to remind you how disgusting your body is. The sooner you figure out how to leave that sorry sack of suet behind, the better, so stop worrying about eating sensibly or exercising or simply listening to what your body is telling you. Listen to us. We know.

Central Control. Creating A Better Future, Today.