Last Night News Investigative Report (1)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,170 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. Tonight, a special investigative report from the Last Night News Desk's star journalist, Crow.

Thanks, Coyote. We here at the Last Night News Investigative Bureau have just intercepted a top-secret memo from Central Control. It appears to be from senior management. We're going to reprint it here in full:

Look, my friend, and listen up. We've had enough of your prattering about the "chaos" and "instability" in Iraq. Some say you've even begun muttering that we've "failed" there. So I'm going to tell you this once and only once, and then you're going to get back to your desk and do your job.

Did you not get the memo? You know, the one Cheney distributed back in 1999 when he was still at the PNAC branch office? Our goals in the Mideast Reorganization Project are quite clear, and we are well on our way to achieving them.

In a week or so, we should finally complete the hostile takeover of Iraq's oil assets. Our Senior VP of Hydrocarbon Affairs, Iraq Division, is inches away from closing the oil privatization deal we've been waiting for. Can you imagine? All of those Iraqi oilfields which had been languishing under the weight of state-owned oppression, finally freed to operate efficiently (and profitably) in our hands. And have you heard the terms of the deal we cut? They are sweet, my friend, sweet: we get 100% of the profits while we're recovering our "infrastructural investments". We'll game that one for decades, let me tell you. And even when that clause expires, we still get 20% off the top. That's double what any of our other divisions have been able to negotiate. Sure pays to have leverage, you know what I mean?

Phase One has been such a smashing success (for our bottom line, at least) that now we're ready to begin Phase Two of the Takeover. Yes, I'm talking about about the hostile takeover of the Iranian Oil Ministry. Can you imagine the profits we'll be making once we have monopoly control of three main Mideast oil producers? Especially when oil spikes to $150 a barrel due to "geopolitical instability". We're talking record profits, here! The Board is very excited about the prospects on this one, let me tell you. Now is not the time to go wobbly on us -- at least, not if you want to get ahead. Think about the profits!

By the way, I have some very exciting news to report from the Iraq Division. Just came in over the wires this morning. We've just sent the Iranian Oil Ministry notice of our intent to acquire their assets! Sure, it was just a tiny tactical raid on the Iranian Consulate in Irbil, but I've checked with our lawyers and they are quite clear on this one. Technically, it's an act of war. The takeover operation has officially begun!

I must say, all of us here at Central Command are a bit worried about you these days. It seems that you've been taking that muck we feed the sheeple about "democracy" and "stability" far too seriously. Keep your eyes on the prize, man! We've already made a killing (so to speak) -- and the best is yet to come!

Sincerely,
Your Corporate Masters

Commercial: Feeding Frenzy

Hello. We here at Central Control would like to take a moment from all of this bestial silliness to talk to you for a moment about a topic many of you find unpleasant: your body.

We know you don't spend much time thinking about your body. The cars and TV and Internet and shopping and slaving away to pay for it all are a bit distracting. They pull you into your head and away from your body. We know -- we designed them that way. And we're glad to see that many of you have responded with fantasies of transcending your corporeal nature entirely. That's the spirit!

But try as you might, you still seem to be connected to that lump of flesh. And what's worse, like a horse that's broken out of the barn and gotten into the hay, your now-ignored body seems to have a mind of its own when it comes to food. You just can't seem to stop eating! All those burgers and fried chicken and chips and cookies ... they're just so tasty. So tasty, in fact, that you eat them without even consciously recognizing that you're eating.

We know. We designed them that way.

But now, the pounds are piling on. Your doctor is yammering at you and the cholesterol counts are piling up and you feel tired and cranky and constipated. You need to lose some weight, but you just can't seem to shed the pounds. You hate exercise, since it reminds you that not only do you still have a body, but that it just doesn't feel so good these days. And somehow, those empty calories still keep making it into your gut, and the pounds keep piling on.

But don't fear -- we here at Central Control are here to help. We'll help you beat that body into submission, so you can keep safely ignoring it. For instance, have you considered gastric bypass surgery? After all, it your stomach offends thee, cut it out ... right? Or something like that. Sure, four out of ten bodies react violently at such abuse. But hey, you weren't using your body anyways. Besides, everyone knows that the best way to keep a horse out of the hay is to cut its stomach out.

If that fails, we have even flashier cures on the shelf. For instance, how about chemically cauterizing your sense of smell and taste? That way, your body will be even easier to ignore, and those pesky unconscious urges will be buried even deeper. I mean, that's what they'd do down at the barn, right? Go stick that horse's snout in a bucket of phenol -- it keeps them out of the hay every time.

Under no circumstances, however, should you attempt to pay attention to what your body is doing. We here at Central Control want to remind you that bodies are smelly, imperfect, noxious things. Well, at least your body is. We have plenty of pictures of perfect bodies on the TV, of course, but they they are only there to remind you how disgusting your body is. The sooner you figure out how to leave that sorry sack of suet behind, the better, so stop worrying about eating sensibly or exercising or simply listening to what your body is telling you. Listen to us. We know.

Central Control. Creating A Better Future, Today.