Last Night News Bulletin (2)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,186 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. I'm Professor Hanuman, and I'll be your guest host for the evening.

From the "Good News / Bad News" department, we have a surprising development from King George's Department of the Interior. It seems that Dirk Kempthorne, the current Secretary of the Interior, has announced plans to list polar bears as a "threatened species".

"We've reviewed all the available data that leads us to believe the sea ice the polar bear depends on has been receding," a US interior department official told the Washington Post. "Obviously, the sea ice is melting because the temperatures are warmer."

Over the past twenty years, the area of the North Polar Ice Cap has decreased by over 20%. Polar bears, who spend their summers feeding on the ice shelf, have been forced to swim increasingly long distances to reach their feeding grounds. In some reported cases, polar bears have been forced to swim sixty miles across open ocean to reach the ice shelf!

So, what's the good news in all this? This administration has finally decided to take global warming seriously. If Spirit Bear actually wins prtoected status, then all "federal agencies [will be] required to ... ensure that their actions will not destroy or adversely modify critical habitat." Spirit Bear's home is the arctic ice. Increased carbon dioxide emissions will help melt this ice, further destroying his habitat. Ergo, the federal government must ensure that its actions do not increase CO2 emissions.

The bad news? To be listed as threatened, a species' predicament has to be pretty dire. Catching seals for your dinner is hard enough -- but just try it after a sixty mile swim. (I have it on firm authority that it's no picnic.) Experts foresee population declines of up to 50% in the next 45 years due to habitat loss, on top of already significant declines.

Given this administration's environmental record, there are plenty of reasons to be skeptical. However, we here at the CNN News Desk remain hopeful -- we primates are remarkably adaptive, and you humans have pulled your collective tails out of the fire many a time in the past. Just consider what you did for Eagle. Twenty-five years ago, he was facing Spirit Bear's fate due to the copious amounts of DDT your species was releasing into the environment. But thanks to swift and decisive action, Eagle's population has rebounded to the point where he is no longer threatened with extinction.

We're sure that Spirit Bear hopes that you all do the same for him -- and soon!

Coyote's Tale (1)

Hey -- HEY! What was that? Did I ask for a cut to the news desk? Huh? I didn't think so. Sheesh! I don't get no respect around here.

So anyways, where were we?

Oh yes -- Crow and Me. So there I was, loping across the desert to visit my Cousin Vito. Vito's good people, you know? We had a great afternoon planned. Chase some squirrels, roll around in some carrion, play chicken with the flatfaces down on the highway, all capped off with an evening howl down at Eagle's Rock. His mate had the pups for the day and the boys were going out on the sage. Let me tell you, it was going to be a great time. As I said, Vito's good people.

So anyways, there I was, loping across the desert when who do I see but Crow, hanging out on the mesa with his clan. He must have had a good dozen of his Brothers with them, and man -- were they decked out to the nines. Right away, I knew something was going down. I don't know why they thought they could start the show without me, but there they were, singing and chanting and dancing up on top of the rock. So I dashed on over and asked Crow, "Hey, whazzup, brother?"

Well, Crow gave me that funny one-eyed stare of his and cawed, "Get lost, doggie. Can't you see my flock is doing the Sun Dance? Now is not the time. Scram."

You know Crow. Just as rude as can be, especially when his feathers are ruffled. But me, I was intrigued. I had heard about these here Sun Dances, and I figured that I could use a bit of that magic that Crow was stirring up. Wasn't my agent just telling me that I had lost it? Well, this here seemed like a perfect opportunity to gain it right back, and revive my stage career to boot. So I took a few steps back to let Crow cool off, and sat myself down on my haunches to see what would happen next.

As I sat back and watched, though, I realized that the Sun Dance was small potatoes. Hell, it was hardly good enough to entertain the tourists down in New Mexico. Sure, Crow and the Brothers were into it -- and they did look good, I had to give them that -- but it just didn't have that pizzazz, you know what I mean? I've been in this biz a long time, let me tell you, and I just couldn't see how I was going to make it fly. It certainly wasn't the career saver I needed, that's for sure.

Except ... except ... except ...

What if I really COULD make it fly? Better yet, what if I could make ME fly? Sure, bunch of Crows doing a Sun Dance, circling up into the air, seen it a million times, how's that going to draw a crowd? But a Sun Dance led by a freaking FLYING COYOTE ... now there's a blockbuster! This I have to tell my agent about. Once word gets out, he'll need freakin' surgery to remove the phone from his ear, we'll be getting so many calls. And the numbers -- oh yeah, I knew the numbers were going to be huge on this one. It was time for me to be back on top of the heap, baby! Coyote is in the house! Get my agent on the phone!

But then I realized I didn't have cell phone coverage out here in the desert. And that my agent was on vacation in the Bahamas. And that I was supposed to be over at Vito's house, anyways.

And, most importantly, I remembered that I couldn't fly any more than I could eat grass without throwing up. It's just not in a Coyote's repetoire, you know what I mean? Which I guess was kinda the reason why a flying coyote would be such a draw in the first place.

Still, my heart sank. Such a beautiful concept, brought down by such mundane details. I was so bummed, I felt like letting out a world-class howl right there. But being the self-assured dude that I am, I just sat down and sighed while I watched Crow & Co. continue their Sun Dance up on the mesa.

...

Wow, but look at the time! Looks like it's getting late, campers ... so we'll continue this story right after this commercial break. See you tomorrow!

Last Night News Bulletin (1)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,198 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. I'm your guest host for the evening, Crow.

We've recieved news of some more skinmonkey madness up in Chris' neck of the woods. It seems that the Termite People have decicided that the gooey, nasty oil sand gunk under the Canadian tundra is quite valuable. So valuable, in fact, that they will be contracting with the French & Chinese to build nuclear power plants that will power the machinery needed to dig up vast areas of pristine wilderness and process the gunk into gasoline and mountains of toxic waste products.

For a perspective, we've asked our simian superstar, Prof. Hanuman, to comment. Over to you, Professor:

Now, I think I finally understand the buzz about the "hydrogen economy".

It always seemed like one of GW's pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps fantasies. Where would the energy come from to make the hydrogen? Somewhere, somehow, something carbon was going to be burned to turn the water into H2. Everything downstream seemed to be just inefficient slight-of-hand covering up that orignal burning of coal/methane/gas.

But now I understand. If this world is so damn desperate for gasoline that we will build nuclear power plants and dig up vast areas of pristine wilderness in order to turn nasty toxic goo into gasoline (along with huge mountains of even nastier, more toxic waste products), then we have reached the point of madness. Are the oil sands even net energy positive? Or are they just a way to store nuclear-generated electricity in a form that feeds our insatiable addiction to carbon-based fuels?

If we're truly at this point, then the time has come to make the switch. Why destroy vast acres of wilderness and add to the globe's already crushing burden of CO2 just to package nuclear energy in a SUV-friendly form? Skip the intermediate steps and just create liquid hydrogen at the source. The planet will thank us for it later.

Thank you, Professor! Who knows, maybe once New Orleans is under water, your cousins will start listening to us at last.

Oh wait, that already happened.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled program ...

... And Now, A Word From The MC

Hey, hey, hey, how about that Crow? Sure, he's a bit heavy at times, but that's why we love him. Still one of our favs over here at CNN! (That's the Coyote News Network, for you skin monkeys not in the know.) Come on, give it up for Crow!

And just look at all those smiling faces out there. (Kinda hard to see past the glare of the stage lights, but I know you're out there.) I'm Mr. Coyote, and I'm the MC of this here show. Welcome, welcome -- I just know you're going to have a blast. We've got a doozy of a lineup tonight.

Let's see ... for those of you interested, Crow will be performing at the Last Caw this Saturday night -- getting down on a spoken word rap with Hanuman backing him up on percussion. Doors at eight, five dollar cover and a two drink minimum. You don't want to miss it ... as long as nobody tries to get that damn fool bird to sing. You ever heard Crow try to sing? Ohh, it's funny alright -- but not necessarily in an entertaining sort of way.

Crow will be joining us later in our program as well ... I know he's got plenty of more tales to tell. (In fact, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get him to shut up.) But hey, hey, let's mix it up a bit first. Let's see, what do we have on the program? OK, up next is an actual intro to this blog -- how about that. Let's see, we're only four posts in ... guess the author thinks this is some sort of postmodern non-linear freak show in the void, eh? And then a few words from Horse on herd dynamics in the workplace, Hanuman riffing on our simian heritage, more from Crow on Shadow Cusine, the Last Night News, and a whole smorgasbord of guest cameos! Hang on, folks, it's gonna be a fun ride!

But first, I'd like to inroduce a very special performance from one of our most talented, gifted, handsome, smart and beautiful performers here at CNN. Hell, not one of the most talented -- let's tell it like it IS, people. We're talking the MOST wonderful, the MOST talented star in the whole freaking CNN stable. Yes, everyone, here's our superstar ...

ME !!!!!

Come on, give it up for Your Buddy Coyote! Who's the Tricky One, baby? Yeah, I know you all love me. Come on, let's hear it for ME!

...

Hmmm, a little quiet tonight, eh? Throw me a bone, people! Ahhh, whatever, I still got a great tale to tell. It's actually about Old Crow. And Me, of course. What, you think he's the only one who can dish it out around here?

Well ... I guess you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for my tale, then. See you then!

(A flick of the tail to fellow Coyote Carolyn Casey, the original channeler of the Coyote News Network.)

Caws From Other Crows

Mark Morford is the Hunter Thompson of the new millenium -- without the nasty drug-fueled psychosis. Witty, ascerbic rants balanced by a fuzzy karmic core of soft warm light. One of the finest that our fine city of freaks has to offer.

His latest brilliance can be found here:

America Loses Another War: Is Iraq a shameful ass-whupping, or just a pathetic trouncing?

If Vietnam's aftermath proved anything, it's that we are incredibly crappy losers. We deny, we reject, we evade and ignore and refuse responsibility until it becomes so silly and surreal even the staunchest warmonger has to cringe in embarrassment. At this point, it seems nearly impossible for America to accept defeat with anything resembling perspective and dignity and the understanding that maybe, just maybe, we ain't all that saintly and ain't all that perfect and maybe God really isn't necessarily on our side after all, because if God took sides she wouldn't actually be, you know, God.

Word, brother. And the hits just keep on cawing!

On Being Eaten By Crow (2)

"There is an old medicine story about Crow. Crow was once so facinated by his shadow that he poked and scratched and pecked at it ... until it became alive. Then his Shadow ate him. Now Crow is Dead Crow."

-- David Carson

That's one way to tell the story. I saw another telling, just before I left to San Diego last month. I was travelling South to spend a week reclaiming some long-lost parts of myself. "Shadow Work", as Jung would have called it. So you understand my surprise when the morning funnies contained the following comic from the remarkable artist Carol Lay:



It was quite the vivid warning to receive the morning before embarking on serious shadow work. It was only after I returned that I recognized it as Crow's Story, told in an even darker and more sinister tone. But there's no redemption in Lay's telling: just confusion, sorrow, damnation and death. I took it as a dark reminder about the risks of letting one's shadow run too far out of control. The boss will demand that work be done; the mortgage must be paid. Allow your Shadow too much control and it will destroy you. Sure, go out and meet your dark side, and get to know her, but don't get carried away.

But Crow's tale gives a different spin on the entire matter -- Truth and Power lay on the other side of death. Only Dead Crow can know the Sacred Law and understand the secrets of shapeshifting. Those are not powers for the living.

Perhaps the only difference betweeen the tellings is in the point of view. Lay's tale is told by the Ego, that old myopic warden of the soul, who always seems to confuse what's best for Him with what's best for Us. Ego's job, you see, is to keep us from getting our damn fool selves killed. At least that's the way He sees it. Since he's so blind and confused, though, he's decided that the best way for him to do his job is to keep Himself from getting killed.

Even worse, Ol' Ego has also decided that the best way to keep us from accidentally killing ourselves -- and Him in the process -- is to keep us under lock and key. Originally, we were told that this was for our protection. It's a dangerous world out there, after all, and if we don't do everything *exactly right* then we're liable to get ourselves hurt. Much better that Ego protect us inside these castle walls, where we can't accidentally mess things up. Sure, there's a lock on the castle gate, but that's to keep the bad guys out, not us in. And while we rarely get to see the sky or roll in the grass or smell the sweetness of the air just after a summer rain, at least we're safe in here. Let Ego face the world for us -- he's smart and crafty and strong. We'll stay inside.

But Crow knows the Truth. Crow knows a prison when he sees one. Crow knows that "warden" is just a polite term for "jailer". Crow saw those bars closing in long ago and he flew for the sky before he could be trapped. He's still miffed that the rest of us are rotting in here, for Crow knows that the cost of living is the everpresent risk of death. Trading the sky for a jail cell will never change that fundamental Truth.

Crow also knows that the Ego is a phoney bastard. Sure he claims he's looking out for our best interests, but he long ago decided that His best interests were our best interests. Power corrupts, after all, and once He locked Us up, that bastard had stolen our Power. Now he can't tell real right from wrong. Even if he tried to do right by us, he'd still end up hurting us. Look at what the bastard's done to us all our life in the name of kindness and protection.

So why shouldn't we look for a jailbreak? Crow is free, he can show the way. But Ego ... poor Ego. He'll never see this as anything but Death, for to him it is Death. He's so mixed up in roles and responsibilities and expectations that loss of his status as Warden of the Fortress will kill him. For us to be free, he will have to die.

Come on, Ego -- it's not so bad. Crow enjoys being Dead; you will too. You'll just have to trust us on this one. Aren't you bored of these dull grey walls yourself? You'll never learn how to shapeshift while you're still alive, after all.

Come on, let's ride ...

On Being Eaten By Crow (1)

"There is an old medicine story about Crow. Crow was once so facinated by his shadow that he poked and scratched and pecked at it ... until it became alive. Then his Shadow ate him. Now Crow is Dead Crow."

-- David Carson


Interesting words indeed; they almost border on the subtext of a Saturday matinee horrorshow. Shadows come to life? Crow flying among us as Dead Crow, somehow Reanimated and Undead, possessed by something that his not him -- but not wholly other? Why would anyone choose a path that reeks of vampirism and death?

Yet the gifts gained by Crow because of his accidental sacrifice were immense: an understanding of Natural Law -- Sacred Law -- and the understanding that Natural Law transcends all of our petty Human attempts at Law. The ability to look beyond culture, beyond right and wrong, to see what is really True. And what's more, the sacred and rare ability to shape shift -- to bend reality to take on the form of another, or to project into another's body. Powerful magic. Deep magic.

No wonder, though, that Crow is so maligned in our culture. Crow is no friend of the Church or the Government, those local authorities who insist upon the imposition of their rules and records. Crow sees beyond their bullshit without a second glance, knowing that while thier power is vast, it is merely Human Power, and a coercive & deceptive power at that. While there is wealth and power to be obtained by causing millions of minds to resonate to the same endlessly echoed "truths", such magic can never create *Real Truth*.

Just ask King George II and his Magic Propaganda Machine, which is sounding rather squeaky these days. While he could call immense Power to his side, it was still Human Power, and all of his Pronouncements and PR and Propaganda could not change the fundamentals of Sacred Law. Look now, as Georgie endlessly squeaks his magic spells over and over again in a vain attempt to create Real Magic, but to no avail. Crow will laugh long and hard as the monster that King George summoned crushes him between its iron teeth, even as he weeps for the countless innocents that will be crushed along with him. For Crow knows that the carnage will be vast. Unfortunately, Sacred Law demands it: Nature abhors a vacuum. The Saudis, Iranians and Turks are feeling the irresistable pull of the void at their borders, and the Carrion Crows are circling overhead.

Crow -- Spirit of Anarchy. Punk Crow. Revolutionary Crow. Che Crow. Bakunin Crow. Voltaire Crow. Bottle-throwing, bird-flipping Crow. Whenever Human Power masses in folly & blindness, there will be Crow, up in the branches of a dead oak, laughing and cawing at them all.

No worries -- he's only a crazy bird up in the trees, and nobody will bother to listen to his meaningless caws over the grand music and patriotic speeches of their wise leaders.

Not yet, at least. Maybe once 2012 comes, we'll all be in on the joke. Until then, Crow laughs alone.