Last Night News Investigative Report (1)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,170 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. Tonight, a special investigative report from the Last Night News Desk's star journalist, Crow.

Thanks, Coyote. We here at the Last Night News Investigative Bureau have just intercepted a top-secret memo from Central Control. It appears to be from senior management. We're going to reprint it here in full:

Look, my friend, and listen up. We've had enough of your prattering about the "chaos" and "instability" in Iraq. Some say you've even begun muttering that we've "failed" there. So I'm going to tell you this once and only once, and then you're going to get back to your desk and do your job.

Did you not get the memo? You know, the one Cheney distributed back in 1999 when he was still at the PNAC branch office? Our goals in the Mideast Reorganization Project are quite clear, and we are well on our way to achieving them.

In a week or so, we should finally complete the hostile takeover of Iraq's oil assets. Our Senior VP of Hydrocarbon Affairs, Iraq Division, is inches away from closing the oil privatization deal we've been waiting for. Can you imagine? All of those Iraqi oilfields which had been languishing under the weight of state-owned oppression, finally freed to operate efficiently (and profitably) in our hands. And have you heard the terms of the deal we cut? They are sweet, my friend, sweet: we get 100% of the profits while we're recovering our "infrastructural investments". We'll game that one for decades, let me tell you. And even when that clause expires, we still get 20% off the top. That's double what any of our other divisions have been able to negotiate. Sure pays to have leverage, you know what I mean?

Phase One has been such a smashing success (for our bottom line, at least) that now we're ready to begin Phase Two of the Takeover. Yes, I'm talking about about the hostile takeover of the Iranian Oil Ministry. Can you imagine the profits we'll be making once we have monopoly control of three main Mideast oil producers? Especially when oil spikes to $150 a barrel due to "geopolitical instability". We're talking record profits, here! The Board is very excited about the prospects on this one, let me tell you. Now is not the time to go wobbly on us -- at least, not if you want to get ahead. Think about the profits!

By the way, I have some very exciting news to report from the Iraq Division. Just came in over the wires this morning. We've just sent the Iranian Oil Ministry notice of our intent to acquire their assets! Sure, it was just a tiny tactical raid on the Iranian Consulate in Irbil, but I've checked with our lawyers and they are quite clear on this one. Technically, it's an act of war. The takeover operation has officially begun!

I must say, all of us here at Central Command are a bit worried about you these days. It seems that you've been taking that muck we feed the sheeple about "democracy" and "stability" far too seriously. Keep your eyes on the prize, man! We've already made a killing (so to speak) -- and the best is yet to come!

Sincerely,
Your Corporate Masters

Commercial: Feeding Frenzy

Hello. We here at Central Control would like to take a moment from all of this bestial silliness to talk to you for a moment about a topic many of you find unpleasant: your body.

We know you don't spend much time thinking about your body. The cars and TV and Internet and shopping and slaving away to pay for it all are a bit distracting. They pull you into your head and away from your body. We know -- we designed them that way. And we're glad to see that many of you have responded with fantasies of transcending your corporeal nature entirely. That's the spirit!

But try as you might, you still seem to be connected to that lump of flesh. And what's worse, like a horse that's broken out of the barn and gotten into the hay, your now-ignored body seems to have a mind of its own when it comes to food. You just can't seem to stop eating! All those burgers and fried chicken and chips and cookies ... they're just so tasty. So tasty, in fact, that you eat them without even consciously recognizing that you're eating.

We know. We designed them that way.

But now, the pounds are piling on. Your doctor is yammering at you and the cholesterol counts are piling up and you feel tired and cranky and constipated. You need to lose some weight, but you just can't seem to shed the pounds. You hate exercise, since it reminds you that not only do you still have a body, but that it just doesn't feel so good these days. And somehow, those empty calories still keep making it into your gut, and the pounds keep piling on.

But don't fear -- we here at Central Control are here to help. We'll help you beat that body into submission, so you can keep safely ignoring it. For instance, have you considered gastric bypass surgery? After all, it your stomach offends thee, cut it out ... right? Or something like that. Sure, four out of ten bodies react violently at such abuse. But hey, you weren't using your body anyways. Besides, everyone knows that the best way to keep a horse out of the hay is to cut its stomach out.

If that fails, we have even flashier cures on the shelf. For instance, how about chemically cauterizing your sense of smell and taste? That way, your body will be even easier to ignore, and those pesky unconscious urges will be buried even deeper. I mean, that's what they'd do down at the barn, right? Go stick that horse's snout in a bucket of phenol -- it keeps them out of the hay every time.

Under no circumstances, however, should you attempt to pay attention to what your body is doing. We here at Central Control want to remind you that bodies are smelly, imperfect, noxious things. Well, at least your body is. We have plenty of pictures of perfect bodies on the TV, of course, but they they are only there to remind you how disgusting your body is. The sooner you figure out how to leave that sorry sack of suet behind, the better, so stop worrying about eating sensibly or exercising or simply listening to what your body is telling you. Listen to us. We know.

Central Control. Creating A Better Future, Today.

Last Night News Bulletin (2)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,186 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. I'm Professor Hanuman, and I'll be your guest host for the evening.

From the "Good News / Bad News" department, we have a surprising development from King George's Department of the Interior. It seems that Dirk Kempthorne, the current Secretary of the Interior, has announced plans to list polar bears as a "threatened species".

"We've reviewed all the available data that leads us to believe the sea ice the polar bear depends on has been receding," a US interior department official told the Washington Post. "Obviously, the sea ice is melting because the temperatures are warmer."

Over the past twenty years, the area of the North Polar Ice Cap has decreased by over 20%. Polar bears, who spend their summers feeding on the ice shelf, have been forced to swim increasingly long distances to reach their feeding grounds. In some reported cases, polar bears have been forced to swim sixty miles across open ocean to reach the ice shelf!

So, what's the good news in all this? This administration has finally decided to take global warming seriously. If Spirit Bear actually wins prtoected status, then all "federal agencies [will be] required to ... ensure that their actions will not destroy or adversely modify critical habitat." Spirit Bear's home is the arctic ice. Increased carbon dioxide emissions will help melt this ice, further destroying his habitat. Ergo, the federal government must ensure that its actions do not increase CO2 emissions.

The bad news? To be listed as threatened, a species' predicament has to be pretty dire. Catching seals for your dinner is hard enough -- but just try it after a sixty mile swim. (I have it on firm authority that it's no picnic.) Experts foresee population declines of up to 50% in the next 45 years due to habitat loss, on top of already significant declines.

Given this administration's environmental record, there are plenty of reasons to be skeptical. However, we here at the CNN News Desk remain hopeful -- we primates are remarkably adaptive, and you humans have pulled your collective tails out of the fire many a time in the past. Just consider what you did for Eagle. Twenty-five years ago, he was facing Spirit Bear's fate due to the copious amounts of DDT your species was releasing into the environment. But thanks to swift and decisive action, Eagle's population has rebounded to the point where he is no longer threatened with extinction.

We're sure that Spirit Bear hopes that you all do the same for him -- and soon!

Coyote's Tale (1)

Hey -- HEY! What was that? Did I ask for a cut to the news desk? Huh? I didn't think so. Sheesh! I don't get no respect around here.

So anyways, where were we?

Oh yes -- Crow and Me. So there I was, loping across the desert to visit my Cousin Vito. Vito's good people, you know? We had a great afternoon planned. Chase some squirrels, roll around in some carrion, play chicken with the flatfaces down on the highway, all capped off with an evening howl down at Eagle's Rock. His mate had the pups for the day and the boys were going out on the sage. Let me tell you, it was going to be a great time. As I said, Vito's good people.

So anyways, there I was, loping across the desert when who do I see but Crow, hanging out on the mesa with his clan. He must have had a good dozen of his Brothers with them, and man -- were they decked out to the nines. Right away, I knew something was going down. I don't know why they thought they could start the show without me, but there they were, singing and chanting and dancing up on top of the rock. So I dashed on over and asked Crow, "Hey, whazzup, brother?"

Well, Crow gave me that funny one-eyed stare of his and cawed, "Get lost, doggie. Can't you see my flock is doing the Sun Dance? Now is not the time. Scram."

You know Crow. Just as rude as can be, especially when his feathers are ruffled. But me, I was intrigued. I had heard about these here Sun Dances, and I figured that I could use a bit of that magic that Crow was stirring up. Wasn't my agent just telling me that I had lost it? Well, this here seemed like a perfect opportunity to gain it right back, and revive my stage career to boot. So I took a few steps back to let Crow cool off, and sat myself down on my haunches to see what would happen next.

As I sat back and watched, though, I realized that the Sun Dance was small potatoes. Hell, it was hardly good enough to entertain the tourists down in New Mexico. Sure, Crow and the Brothers were into it -- and they did look good, I had to give them that -- but it just didn't have that pizzazz, you know what I mean? I've been in this biz a long time, let me tell you, and I just couldn't see how I was going to make it fly. It certainly wasn't the career saver I needed, that's for sure.

Except ... except ... except ...

What if I really COULD make it fly? Better yet, what if I could make ME fly? Sure, bunch of Crows doing a Sun Dance, circling up into the air, seen it a million times, how's that going to draw a crowd? But a Sun Dance led by a freaking FLYING COYOTE ... now there's a blockbuster! This I have to tell my agent about. Once word gets out, he'll need freakin' surgery to remove the phone from his ear, we'll be getting so many calls. And the numbers -- oh yeah, I knew the numbers were going to be huge on this one. It was time for me to be back on top of the heap, baby! Coyote is in the house! Get my agent on the phone!

But then I realized I didn't have cell phone coverage out here in the desert. And that my agent was on vacation in the Bahamas. And that I was supposed to be over at Vito's house, anyways.

And, most importantly, I remembered that I couldn't fly any more than I could eat grass without throwing up. It's just not in a Coyote's repetoire, you know what I mean? Which I guess was kinda the reason why a flying coyote would be such a draw in the first place.

Still, my heart sank. Such a beautiful concept, brought down by such mundane details. I was so bummed, I felt like letting out a world-class howl right there. But being the self-assured dude that I am, I just sat down and sighed while I watched Crow & Co. continue their Sun Dance up on the mesa.

...

Wow, but look at the time! Looks like it's getting late, campers ... so we'll continue this story right after this commercial break. See you tomorrow!

Last Night News Bulletin (1)

Good evening, gentlefolk. It's seven minutes until midnight and there are 2,198 nights left in the Galactic Aeon. Welcome to Last Night News. I'm your guest host for the evening, Crow.

We've recieved news of some more skinmonkey madness up in Chris' neck of the woods. It seems that the Termite People have decicided that the gooey, nasty oil sand gunk under the Canadian tundra is quite valuable. So valuable, in fact, that they will be contracting with the French & Chinese to build nuclear power plants that will power the machinery needed to dig up vast areas of pristine wilderness and process the gunk into gasoline and mountains of toxic waste products.

For a perspective, we've asked our simian superstar, Prof. Hanuman, to comment. Over to you, Professor:

Now, I think I finally understand the buzz about the "hydrogen economy".

It always seemed like one of GW's pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps fantasies. Where would the energy come from to make the hydrogen? Somewhere, somehow, something carbon was going to be burned to turn the water into H2. Everything downstream seemed to be just inefficient slight-of-hand covering up that orignal burning of coal/methane/gas.

But now I understand. If this world is so damn desperate for gasoline that we will build nuclear power plants and dig up vast areas of pristine wilderness in order to turn nasty toxic goo into gasoline (along with huge mountains of even nastier, more toxic waste products), then we have reached the point of madness. Are the oil sands even net energy positive? Or are they just a way to store nuclear-generated electricity in a form that feeds our insatiable addiction to carbon-based fuels?

If we're truly at this point, then the time has come to make the switch. Why destroy vast acres of wilderness and add to the globe's already crushing burden of CO2 just to package nuclear energy in a SUV-friendly form? Skip the intermediate steps and just create liquid hydrogen at the source. The planet will thank us for it later.

Thank you, Professor! Who knows, maybe once New Orleans is under water, your cousins will start listening to us at last.

Oh wait, that already happened.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled program ...

... And Now, A Word From The MC

Hey, hey, hey, how about that Crow? Sure, he's a bit heavy at times, but that's why we love him. Still one of our favs over here at CNN! (That's the Coyote News Network, for you skin monkeys not in the know.) Come on, give it up for Crow!

And just look at all those smiling faces out there. (Kinda hard to see past the glare of the stage lights, but I know you're out there.) I'm Mr. Coyote, and I'm the MC of this here show. Welcome, welcome -- I just know you're going to have a blast. We've got a doozy of a lineup tonight.

Let's see ... for those of you interested, Crow will be performing at the Last Caw this Saturday night -- getting down on a spoken word rap with Hanuman backing him up on percussion. Doors at eight, five dollar cover and a two drink minimum. You don't want to miss it ... as long as nobody tries to get that damn fool bird to sing. You ever heard Crow try to sing? Ohh, it's funny alright -- but not necessarily in an entertaining sort of way.

Crow will be joining us later in our program as well ... I know he's got plenty of more tales to tell. (In fact, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get him to shut up.) But hey, hey, let's mix it up a bit first. Let's see, what do we have on the program? OK, up next is an actual intro to this blog -- how about that. Let's see, we're only four posts in ... guess the author thinks this is some sort of postmodern non-linear freak show in the void, eh? And then a few words from Horse on herd dynamics in the workplace, Hanuman riffing on our simian heritage, more from Crow on Shadow Cusine, the Last Night News, and a whole smorgasbord of guest cameos! Hang on, folks, it's gonna be a fun ride!

But first, I'd like to inroduce a very special performance from one of our most talented, gifted, handsome, smart and beautiful performers here at CNN. Hell, not one of the most talented -- let's tell it like it IS, people. We're talking the MOST wonderful, the MOST talented star in the whole freaking CNN stable. Yes, everyone, here's our superstar ...

ME !!!!!

Come on, give it up for Your Buddy Coyote! Who's the Tricky One, baby? Yeah, I know you all love me. Come on, let's hear it for ME!

...

Hmmm, a little quiet tonight, eh? Throw me a bone, people! Ahhh, whatever, I still got a great tale to tell. It's actually about Old Crow. And Me, of course. What, you think he's the only one who can dish it out around here?

Well ... I guess you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for my tale, then. See you then!

(A flick of the tail to fellow Coyote Carolyn Casey, the original channeler of the Coyote News Network.)

Caws From Other Crows

Mark Morford is the Hunter Thompson of the new millenium -- without the nasty drug-fueled psychosis. Witty, ascerbic rants balanced by a fuzzy karmic core of soft warm light. One of the finest that our fine city of freaks has to offer.

His latest brilliance can be found here:

America Loses Another War: Is Iraq a shameful ass-whupping, or just a pathetic trouncing?

If Vietnam's aftermath proved anything, it's that we are incredibly crappy losers. We deny, we reject, we evade and ignore and refuse responsibility until it becomes so silly and surreal even the staunchest warmonger has to cringe in embarrassment. At this point, it seems nearly impossible for America to accept defeat with anything resembling perspective and dignity and the understanding that maybe, just maybe, we ain't all that saintly and ain't all that perfect and maybe God really isn't necessarily on our side after all, because if God took sides she wouldn't actually be, you know, God.

Word, brother. And the hits just keep on cawing!